If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk