The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Attacked by a mop.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you