When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
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Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I just tested negative for patience.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.