The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
This is sending me to another galaxy
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.