I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
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H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!