Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I support this random dude and all his protests
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.