C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Yeah. This was me today.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally