My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
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Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
ouch
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”