I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
rapatouille
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot