Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Only short people can save us
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.