FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
You Might Also Like
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”