No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.