Basketball
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A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort