Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
oh shit
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.