it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.