Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.