[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
You Might Also Like
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”