When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
You Might Also Like
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.