going to the ER y’all need anything
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.