“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I miss this era type of pranks😭
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.