Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.