10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
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STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.