Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.