me and who
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I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
They also CAN sing✌️
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.