Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”