Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
You Might Also Like
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
These are my roll models.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.