me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
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Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Don’t we all.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then