[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
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Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.