processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.