Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Here’s a meme
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
when someone compliments me
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.