The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
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Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.