Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*updates tinder bio*
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Brands during Pride