If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
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tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.