It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”