If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came