two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
This trial is so absurd 😭
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step