[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Vodka burrito was a success
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally