So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.