Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
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lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn鈥檛 have to just be the government
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
i haven鈥檛 seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain鈥檛 right
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It鈥檚 a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Her: let鈥檚 role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Where鈥檚 the lie? 馃ぃ馃ぃ
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
sad to hear it but I hope it鈥檚 for the best
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can鈥檛 hear what they鈥檙e saying
Brother: They鈥檙e speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh