A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment