I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.