Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
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Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.