The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.