I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
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I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.