I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.