roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.