Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You Might Also Like
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
classic mixup
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.