If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
#FunnyLife Insects
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.