The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
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Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.