Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
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SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
How high do the levels go?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.